Thursday 11 December 2014

Journey without purpose

Lost…..

 

This is how I see the world now. We all are lost. The vacuum of our soul is so easy to see around. The thing is we don’t even wish to stop and ask why..

 

I am in my office and I am lost. I am in my room and I am lost. I am in market or attending some public function and I am lost. The people all around seem lost. If I ask myself, what I am doing right now or the person standing next to me what and why; that person sounds lost. Most of the people are just in someplace due to social obligation. Hey!! Why are you here….I am here to attend this function…I am here as my friend called me to come….I am here as my family asked me to. Are we only doing everything as we are supposed to do so by others or only due to some specific requirement. We just don’t walk on our own. Without any purpose. Without any reason. Yeah!! How will people react to it. We can be termed insane or just mad.

 

Since birth this has been my life. When I was born; then I use to go with parents and immediate family wherever they use to go. In school I use to go with my class and be disciplined. In college where the friends like to go. Now when I am working; wherever the boss or work is required. Even when I take holiday I go wherever family wishes to go. Everything starts and end with a purpose. There has to be a reason. Choice has to be consensus and with pros and cons of the place. It’s not because I just felt like going. For this either we cut off the thinking part of mind or we be part of the crowd and enjoy with everybody.

 

I am not saying all those who are going with family and friends are doing something wrong. Off course we all enjoy and feel less stressed when we are with family and friends. But where is the inner voice. My only issue is when I am just alone sitting in a quiet place my mind is like in meditation mode. The thoughts comes and goes like a slow train. I can hear myself talking and speaking from heart. This should be the ideal case for a human being to find who his inner self is. There are moments when I am in company of family and friends and I get zoned out. Suddenly I will start walking away and standing some place alone or will be sitting with all and lost in my own thoughts. It’s funny at times…my Walter Mitty scene.

 

I feel like at times to just go to my room, pack my bag, take a bus and go to a far off place. How I hope things could be this simple. It can be but for the fear of all the social and professional repercussion one just tend to control his heart. How my family will feel and how my job will get affected. Happiest moments are when I am in between the travel . Whether in bus, train or aircraft. The journey is more beautiful moment for me rather than the destination. The fleeting sights and sounds, the smells and pictures. But then, I tend to see around people and myself all going for some purpose.  And the whole moment is stopped. I just wish we all start our journey not because we have some work at our destination but sheer feel for travel .let’s just travel and think not of destination. But is it possible…

 

World was never the place where our choices work. Keep following the crowd.

 

Sunday 19 October 2014

Keyhole in my life

I watched ‘HER’ again yesterday night.

 

I don’t know how but that movie has actually left an impact on me. I just can’t keep my mind off the voice. The computer voice. Voice like a real person. Emotions like real person even though I know are artificial. I imagined while lying on my bed after the movie was over, how life might be if I also get one of these things (if I can call it a thing). Then I remember that maybe I already had one of these things. I am also like one of these things.

 

Some part of my brain keeps talking to me and acting as it might be a third person. It keeps me in check and keeps reminding myself about things I should do and should not do. I stand in front of the mirror and I don’t know what I am trying to look at. The face. The eyes. The cloths. The hairs. It is so confusing. But then my mind start talking to me. Trying to say to me that I need to smile. A sense of tiredness sweeps over my face. But then my mind again ask me to take a deep breath and turn away my face. It knows more I try to see in mirror more I am likely to stay longer in front of it. I don’t know why I am saying all this but this has taken over my mind while writing.

 

I have come to office like any other Monday morning and stare at faces. All are smiling and looking back at me for just a second. And then the heads go down again on their systems. I just take my seat and start typing. What the hell is wrong with me. I don’t even have the energy to walk to any other persons desk and say hello. I just hope no one comes on mine also. I just don’t want to smile. It is so hard to smile.    

 

My new passion these days is twitter. I just keep on checking after few minutes for any updates. Talking endless and tweeting anything that comes on my mind. It’s so liberating. Last few days I have messaging about how extremism is increasingly becoming dangerous to world, especially Islamic and how it should be dealt with. Couple of people from across the globe started to respond also. I guess it’s more easy to talk to people you have never met and nor likely to meet in future. Strangers are more easy to talk to then people you meet daily. Solace in unknown I guess. Workable for long might be a question. Well anyway, answers are like always never with me. One thing I have observed about me…guess all gender’s might agree. It is more relaxing to talk to a person of opposite sex. Males I feel are more happy to talk to females and might be vice versa also. Reason can be debated. Its sounds and feels more passionate and mysterious when opposite gender takes interest in your message, especially someone not seen ever. We after all, are more happy to imagine someone loving us with passion shown in movies. And not necessarily in real life. Imaginary again.

 

This is why I think movies like ‘HER’ has been trying to project and ringed a bell inside. The actor in the movie develops a relationship but doesn’t get desperate to have a face for the voice. Social media and platforms to speak to strangers across globe has become such a hit. We started with things  like yahoo messenger with groups full of strangers but common topics from top of mind. Chatting with strangers to larger platform of twitter. I am not counting Facebook where privacy and closed groups of known friends exist. Whether in future these social platforms will isolate us or make us into larger groups of like-minded has to be seen. I mean people will surely love to talk to stranger’s like now but when it will come to meeting face to face or interact on close personal basis, problems might happen. I mean my own case, I can share my mind more own social network and with strangers rather than sitting in a coffee shop with friends.

 

Am I becoming a socially unstable. Can’t say. But certainly I am enjoying this sitting in the dark and looking towards light coming from keyhole.  

 

Saturday 26 July 2014

The fear

The fear of dying alone in life is the worst a person can go through. I don’t know but I think all of us do go through this, in some part of life. That might also explain why this concept of having someone in life to share is so importantly shown in the movies. I blame them more than anyone else for this projection. I ask why do we need someone. We can have very good friends, very close family and bloody dog or cat or even our own self to talk to all the time. Why the hell we need a lover or wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend.

 

The simple reason for the same is the idea shown in movies that we can’t die alone. Or even to some extent the society as a whole thinks that kids are the reason why a man and women are together. They can be together out of just sheer need of company rather than biological production cycle. The same reason that company is the most important reason for marriage or affairs can be applied for lack of need of it. Why do we start thinking that company is must in life. We can spend time by doing what we love to do the most. We can share it with friends or family. Or even in worst case scenario with no one.

 

Off course some while say that this will become monotonous lifecycle and we might end up regretting it. But who knows the future. Also, in how many relationship are both person happy and completely satisfied. People say, compromises are to be done and that is how the life is lived. Both the partners have to compromise to a large or small extent to keep the relationship going. But I ask, if the whole idea is dropped and a single person start living the way he loves to live, will he not be more happy. I mean the whole point of doing something to please the other person will be over, and no one to say this was not expected of you. Well it might be too easy to say then done for sure. But by the look of it sounds very pleasing to the ear’s.

 

People can say I am judging for very narrow view and all of this is my own thinking. But all the thinking we see the world is our own only isn’t it. We are our own biggest reason for failure to take action and do something in life. We keep imagining the mirage of world view from our own mind and keep thinking that people are judging us, but instead we are judging ourselves all the time. Sometimes our own actions take us on the path we hadn’t imagined, but then all the paths are new in life. To keep walking in this darkness without knowing whether, the next step will be are last is the only option. 

Sunday 16 February 2014

To let go

How impossible is to let go. It is said that whatever belongs to you will come back when u learn to let go. Does is actually happen. Can someone claim he has got something back once he let it go. Really. How many heartbreaks make us feel all is lost and well over. For me i cant even count on fingers. And nothing, belive me nothing ever comes back. Its all myth. The true test is to hold on to the memory and not go mad. Real person is the one who make peace with all the memories and live with them. We can do it even if it is very painful. Life afterall the sadness, ups and down, heartbreaks and tears must keep going on. We can live with tears and still try to be normal sane human. 

Friday 7 February 2014

patience.


 

PATIENCE.......

a word which is lacking in almost all human beings., some might have more longer level of endurance and hold losing their 'patience' for longer time while some don’t. and some like me let it all go in their minds. it sometimes feels like my head will explode out of skull....the anger and pain is too much..

then comes some point in life when all is lost...we lose all hope and feel total losers. And then comes patience again...what can we do then....I close my eyes and try to drop few tears and let the feeling pass over me...but at times it rigidly sticks on....the only word that gives me some feeling of gaining hope again is 'patience'...all good things comes to those who are patient enough to wait for it...somewhere I had heard or read...I don’t know where...

if I look back at my life it is full of some such incidence's where I believe only my patience to wear the situation out worked actually....I waited for time to change and not ideally I mean but I worked for it...and things did started to change..

I am of course open to criticism and people saying all is crap and actually you just hope things will change but in true sense it doesn’t....maybe that is also true but is it not right that if we start believing that our time is changing and good things are coming our way that they actually start to come.??