I don’t know what happened and how I lost the focus I had for myself. I stopped writing and totally lost control over my life. It all started around 4 months back. Sometimes we just do something in life which has no meaning and future but still we do it even if, it only hurts for every second we are living it. What else I have no idea.
All my life I have tried very hard to be a good guy. And all my life I feel I have failed so many times and so often that I should actually give it up. I have made so many sacrifices for relationship sakes in terms of family commitments, friendship commitments, my own self goals, my self-worth even. And I am not saying that I am Mr. perfect and haven’t done wrong. I have broken hearts myself and hurt feelings of people who loved me. I now actually feel the cycle of life. We reap what we sow. Even now I know someone loves me deeply and I have seen the eyes but I am not able to make decision due to personal regressive mind-set. And I am actually wasting my heart somewhere else.
After a while I feel relationship goals changes from person to person. Some still run for lust or looks while some just wants commitments. For me its mix of both somewhat. I have emotional needs now much much more than anything else. Loneliness is something which freaks me out. I just need more love and time. I think most of people might agree with me that what I feel I need is more important than other things we get in relationship. But how to get out of rut we land up if we make wrong choices. I keep trying to get out and I feel like I am going more deep. It’s like a quicksand, the relationship of hearts I mean. The more you try to come out and throw your hands around the more deep it pulls you inside.
There are times when we fall down and we don’t have strength to get back up. I heard this line on YouTube video. The void, the emptiness in our life so pitch black that we can’t see our own hands in the darkness. Life throw at us the situations where we have no control. We meet and see people who make us miserable. We have two choices then. Either we get depressed and get angry and frustrated or we move on. Sadness goes only with time. There is no switch on and off button. But we just have to make up our mind that no matter what I will not let the situation or this blankness overwhelm me.
One poem I always keep repeating in my mind
“Once more into the fray,
to the last good fight I will ever know,
Live and die on this day,
Live and die on this day.”
Life is a challenge. And no matter what and how talented we are or how rich or poor, we will always get in this rut of hearts. And I will keep scratching the sides of this pit to come out even if I lose my fingers doing it, I will scratch the hell out of this pit.
