planning..:))

50-50..

That’s the one I saw yesterday…I did saw it earlier also but sitting alone and nothing to break one’s concentration gives you a different power of perspective. I mean I have best moments when I talk to no one and I do what I like to do alone without being spoken to. Privacy has taken a whole new meaning for me.

Now, coming back to movie. I saw how Joseph Gordon-levitt the main actor struggles in life when I comes to know about spinal tumour. How his girlfriend cheats on him and he feels all the loneliness when he needs support the most. Well the thinking point for me was that he knows now about death coming near to him. I mean I felt some kind of closure he must be feeling. I started to feel myself in his shoes and truly speaking I do find his position OK. I mean I don’t have cancer or anything yet. God knows about future. But one thing I thought was, if I do get it, at least I might be better to do things which I might not do under normal circumstances. We all just keep living and don’t bother about our loved ones and get busy trying to make more money. I do frankly.

And If I know I am dying and have xyz months at hand only, well its better. I can just spend time with friends I love, family I ignored, trying to bring closure to so many things, see places which I wish. When the clock is ticking we all start feeling the need to run and finish what we want, but otherwise who cares. Dreams are dreams. Only with the ticking of watch, we feel that we have missed what all we should have been doing and now time is gone. So I do feel, that death as and when comes to me, I will be more happy to die with cancer than a road accident. I want to face it, I want to know and feel the last months or days. I will be more than happy to face pain maybe but rather than being dead in a second. Few months is all I need. Finish what all I wish to finish, leave some kind of legacy, something for my friends and family to remember me after I am gone. I think I should start planning now itself.

wonderland

In the wonderland..

 

Sometimes I wish to lose myself in my wonderland. I am not sure of purpose of going on. Simply living has lost its meaning.

 

I mean do we know our purpose. What am I doing here. Just waking up and going on and on. Whatever comes just take it without wondering or questioning. I am so bored now. It’s not depression that I feel or see. It’s not sadness. But simplicity of life without any purpose. I meet people and talk but back of mind thoughts are lost.

 

There has to be somethings or someplace where these thoughts lose me. I want a wonderland where I just walk and feel sleepy. My feet should just move without purpose. I spread my arms a scream. Grass greener and water clearer. I sometimes dream of this place. I am alone and walking. I smell soil on ground and lie on grass. Look up at clear blue sky and its vastness, its white clouds. I hear water falling. I feel cool breeze. There is no one around and only my sound. As far as I see nothing moves and no person. Just one tree at a small hill and I climb up and sit under it.

 

In my room at night I just sit in darkness and close my eyes and imagine this place. I smile thinking of myself in my wonderland. The sound of breeze among grass blades make me smile. My wonderland.