Confused..

Am I the only one or many more like me face this kind of problem.

 

Last few weeks I have been going through such a torture. Some weekends when I am in Shimla, I go to mall road and sit in my favourite café to work on my novel. But last few times, I am not able to write more than a page. Forget a page, paragraphs and my mind is blank. I just keep looking at screen of my laptop. I look around and I see all the people sitting and busy doing their own things. I see outside the window and I see happy people walking on mall road completely carefree. I look back at my screen and nothing comes to my mind. Like an idiot I am just looking around.

 

God I hope it’s not going to last long.

 

 

Made few new friends online. I feel so happy checking my google plus account. The number of such talented and beautiful people. Some such wonderful pics people post and such great quotes. And I wonder how some manage to write such lovely blogs and poetry. Just wow.

 

Why I am writing all this I don’t know. Sometimes writing is much easier to do than talking or saying things. People who are prone to go into shell, people with high emotional instability; bottom-line people like me must keep on writing.

 

Don’t you feel, Internet is the new “voice of sky”. Just write something and throw it online. And wait if somewhere someone responds. It’s like prayers we say by looking up at sky. We whisper it and let it float, up toward the clouds and we wait for a voice to boom. We feel it is coming from sky but it’s more likely our heart talking to our head. The answer we are searching, comes to our mind and we feel as if nature is responding to our thoughts. How natural and beautiful it is. But now, nature I feel is being replaced by internet. We pour out our heart more and more online and wait for that ping of response. I remember when my life completely broke down 4 years ago. I was devastated with grief and lost everything. Night after night I just kept awake and kept looking toward the ceiling of my house. I started visiting the online help groups anonymously seeking words of advice. I was praying to God off course, but I also found solace from strange chat ids. Now I am getting more hooked to internet and more comfortable with idea of letting my thoughts float toward the new sky and maybe response comes via a satellite or undersea cable. I just keep wondering.

Taj mahal

Today family trip have Taj mahal. One of the wonders of the world. But I am coming for the first time unlike my family which has seen the same earlier too.

I have lots of mixed feelings. I don’t know how so many confusing thoughts can come in one single person’s mind. But still. I am excited to see the monument of love. Love which surpassed all limits I guess. A king who almost emptied all his state’s coffer for one single monument. A king who is said to have cut off hands of thousands of workers, so that they can never again build such a unique monument. How easy was for kings to make a point. In a single stroke he painted his love as unique and unparalleled but at what cost. The cost of blood and sweat. I just can’t take imagine something else when I see the marble of Taj but blood. For me its colour is red and thinking all this has made my mood cold. Anyhow for my family sake will keep a cheerful face. 

The route was good till we reached Agra city. The highway is good even if not without bumps. But good to see things improving in India even if on snail pace. City is horrible. Cleanliness is far off and traffic is horrible. Smell and garbage all over the city. Feel so ashamed to see tourist from globe coming to see Taj and taking pics of garbage. This is what India’s looks to them. Sad.

Electricity is major problem in UP. My hotel room has power back up but it has tripped almost 5 times in half an hour. Tourist please make sure you take hotel with power backup. Also, no Wi-Fi in my room only in lobby.

But still positives must be seen and we Indians do find happiness even in most trying places. Hotels are ok and one can find cheap price wise also, even when I did last minute booking. Funny thing is we are 5 from one family and staying in 3 different hotels. Can you imagine one family and three different hotels? Talk of changing middle class lifestyles among generation. 

Any tourist coming first time, I suggest take a good taxi driver from Delhi itself and don’t plan to depend on local tour operator. Try a good tour operator from Delhi only. Hotels online can be booked or preview can be checked. I did my booking online itself.

The Taj. Well, it did looked dull to me. I think pollution and global warming had effects on its marble. The beauty is fading with time. I guess like the love the king had for his queen, the time fades away all the memories and symbols of love. Looking at it made me confused. What was the point of killing so many innocents and cutting their hands meant? Did the dead queen, whose last wish was for such a monument had no heart. Sorry, but I can only recall the Sahir’s poem,  

The Taj, mayhap, to you may seem, a mark of love supreme
You may hold this beauteous vale in great esteem;
Yet, my love, meet me hence at some other place!

How odd for the poor folk to frequent royal resorts;
‘Tis strange that the amorous souls should tread the regal paths
Trodden once by mighty kings and their proud consorts.
Behind the facade of love my dear, you had better seen,
The marks of imperial might that herein lie screen’d
You who take delight in tombs of kings deceased,
Should have seen the hutments dark where you and I did wean.
Countless men in this world must have loved and gone,
Who would say their loves weren’t truthful or strong?
But in the name of their loves, no memorial is raised
For they too, like you and me, belonged to the common throng.

These structures and sepulchres, these ramparts and forts,
These relics of the mighty dead are, in fact, no more
Than the cancerous tumours on the face of earth,
Fattened on our ancestor’s very blood and bones.
They too must have loved, my love, whose hands had made,
This marble monument, nicely chiselled and shaped
But their dear ones lived and died, unhonoured, unknown,
None burnt even a taper on their lowly graves.

This bank of Jamuna, this edifice, these groves and lawns,
These carved walls and doors, arches and alcoves,
An emperor on the strength of wealth, Has played with us a cruel joke.
Meet me hence, my love, at some other place.

Must listen to in actual Urdu language to get the pain and anguish depicted in the poem from my one of the most favourite poet of all times.

The one thing I hate the most also was happening around, saw a lot of morons trying to take pics with foreigner.  Especially with white folk’s. I just don’t understand the white skin syndrome which these jerks have. Off course they were not forcing but some were insisting enough. The poor white people were obliging by clicking pics but it looked so stupid. This show the masculine idiotic mentality that these dickheads have. They think white women are easy and sex maniacs just because they prefer to wear small dress in unbearably hot Indian summer and there women who I am sure will prefer to wear the same but because of social dictate are not able to wear. Jerks.

Overall tour was fine enough; but I was somehow not very contented like I am after a long distance travel. Something didn’t clicked for me on this one. Even if second day I was alone and had time for my own exploration of Agra fort without my family; which is the way I prefer. This way I feel more peaceful minded and my thoughts are not disturbed by random comments and distractions. I like to walk among the history I was visiting with my mind wondering into the themes; Like the king must have seen in the eyes of his subjects, the life of soldier standing on walls looking at vast open jungle that must have existed then around the fort, the servants running inside the palace carrying secret messages and gossips, the Queen with all her beauty, the whole picture running in front of my eyes. I love it. 

Well, that’s for this trip and waiting for next travel to begin. I am thinking of going to Dharamshala for a few days next week itself.   

Pics of agra fort:

Bus travels

I think since childhood i preferred bus travel over train. And when I started working, air travel looks and feels best. But then when i have chance to travel by road i still love bus. These days it has become so frequent that i get tired of it. But few times some incidents keep happening and the scenes make me remain hungry for more. 

Month back I was traveling to chamba from shimla and time it takes for bus is 16 hours. I started at morning 7am and reached at night9pm. It was damn tiring but was full of exictment that i lost time many times. The steep valley on one side and huge mountains with lush green grass and long trees. Himachal has the toughest roads to travel and really burns a person out. This trip to chamba i remember not only for the beauty but sheer stupidity and bizzarness also. I was on bus and this Shepard from upper hills came inside and was carrying a fully grown goat, he actually had to go some place for few minutes when the bus stopped and he asked me to take care of the goat and made me handle its leash till then. The goat and me both keep on lookingat each other till the time he came back. I just couldn't keep off my smile for next half an hour just thinking about it. 

Then this time was going to kullu region and a young newly married lady came and seated herself next to me, she started talking about her hard life in village and poor conditions. I felt really sorry hearing it all and thought how fortunate i am. I belive no matter how much we grow and how much we earn but travel by bus will still make us live and feel real life. The people we meet and see tell us how fair and unfair life can be. I still keep feeling that bus travel keeps me grounded and makes me smile everytime no matter how much tiresome it might feel. Also, some experiences have been so romantic that i miss them. I was in second year of my graduation in chandigarh. This girl who was in university and obviously elder by couple of years, use to take same bus as mine from one stop ahead of me. Our eyes started to meet and i become her protecter in over crowded bus. She will always stand next to me with her back touching my chest and my arms will keep her secure from crowd. We never shared a word but for almost a year we travelled daily at same time. This might sound stupid but that time was super romantic to me. I still think of her sometime. Well lets see what buses hold for me in future.

Finding someone

Just listening to ‘somewhere over the rainbow- what a wonderful world’. What a beautiful song. Just plain lovely.

 

And the memories just keep coming flooding inside me. So many interesting relationships and people had walked in my short span of life and walked out also. So many face’s run past my eyes and so many sweet whispers of voices in my ears. I had such moments when you see a face turn and smile back at you. The eyes are together for those few unimaginable minutes of silence with so much being said without speaking. The smile on lips meaning only one thing and eyes trying to say ‘Yes’. The memories which remain with us as long as life is with us.

 

But then I have heard the same line repeated to me so many times after the best part is over that it too has become part of the memories now. The same thing which I laugh when I see in movies, guess all girls pick it up from movies only. “you are the person a girl wishes to be part of her life. You are all she can dream and you will surely one day find the girl who will return the same love to you”. ROFL. It’s so funny now to think about it. And without trying to be sexist; guys are blamed almost every time to be imperfect in our sense of relationships. My only concern is maybe, and just maybe at times the poor guy could do it better with subtle hints upfront of things not working up.

 

And what are searching for. Both gender’s.

 

Guys looking for those simple girls shown in movies as perfect life partners; Hot looking and perfect figure with clear fair skin. Loving, caring in nature, one’s who don’t look at other good looking guys because; hey! I am almost as hot as John Abraham so only I have right to ogle at other girls. Girls who appreciate our sense of humour even if all other feels its crap and outright cynical. Supporting financially by not doing shopping and understanding that our friends will laugh at us if you earn more than us so better do a shit job or don’t work at all. Respect our parents and family but don’t get to personally involved after all we are always involved emotionally via phone or WhatsApp if not physically. Cooks like Taj chef and cleans like British butler. Don’t crib about our waistline and brink of alcoholism but must be teetotaller. Is like Angelina Jolie in bed from Original Sin. Well the list can be further worked upon as per different set of choices Guys get in life but basics are almost these. Maybe.

 

Girls, well it’s even more complicated. The guy should be rich like Mark Zuckerberg. Handsome like Brad Pitt. Lover like George Clooney. Powerful like Prince William, etc. etc. etc. He should be caring, loving, romantic, but in the meantime only mine. He should not look at other girls and even if I let myself go and become puffy should find me beautiful. Help in kitchen even if I don’t like to cook so can take me to candle light dinner in five star hotels. Is not a mama’s boy and macho even if don’t treat women with respect. Should take me to vocations to Swiss alps like locations every three months even if doesn’t care if he visit his parent’s only on Diwali. Basically any asshole will work if he has looks and money. Maybe exception can be seen but then I have seen craving for such a life in most girls.

 

I am open to be dissected for such a shallow opinion of society. Picturing all with same brush. But then truth be told; I don’t give a fuck. I have seen enough guys trying to be Adam Sandler and enough girls to be Katherine Heigl. Thank you. So point is please come down on earth and start facing the reality. Relationship disaster are all part of life and are meant to happen. Just don’t get stuck with past. Enjoy today even if that means sitting at bar alone and having a drink. Forget about waiting for Mr or Miss perfect. It isn’t happening. The perfect picture in mind is crap and will not get complete. So just let yourself go. If you are lucky to meet someone nice don’t waste time for him to become awesome. Hangout and see if it works. Otherwise you can copy and repeat the line I have shared; which has been said to me by number of girls (don’t forget to change as per gender).

Journey without purpose

Lost…..

 

This is how I see the world now. We all are lost. The vacuum of our soul is so easy to see around. The thing is we don’t even wish to stop and ask why..

 

I am in my office and I am lost. I am in my room and I am lost. I am in market or attending some public function and I am lost. The people all around seem lost. If I ask myself, what I am doing right now or the person standing next to me what and why; that person sounds lost. Most of the people are just in someplace due to social obligation. Hey!! Why are you here….I am here to attend this function…I am here as my friend called me to come….I am here as my family asked me to. Are we only doing everything as we are supposed to do so by others or only due to some specific requirement. We just don’t walk on our own. Without any purpose. Without any reason. Yeah!! How will people react to it. We can be termed insane or just mad.

 

Since birth this has been my life. When I was born; then I use to go with parents and immediate family wherever they use to go. In school I use to go with my class and be disciplined. In college where the friends like to go. Now when I am working; wherever the boss or work is required. Even when I take holiday I go wherever family wishes to go. Everything starts and end with a purpose. There has to be a reason. Choice has to be consensus and with pros and cons of the place. It’s not because I just felt like going. For this either we cut off the thinking part of mind or we be part of the crowd and enjoy with everybody.

 

I am not saying all those who are going with family and friends are doing something wrong. Off course we all enjoy and feel less stressed when we are with family and friends. But where is the inner voice. My only issue is when I am just alone sitting in a quiet place my mind is like in meditation mode. The thoughts comes and goes like a slow train. I can hear myself talking and speaking from heart. This should be the ideal case for a human being to find who his inner self is. There are moments when I am in company of family and friends and I get zoned out. Suddenly I will start walking away and standing some place alone or will be sitting with all and lost in my own thoughts. It’s funny at times…my Walter Mitty scene.

 

I feel like at times to just go to my room, pack my bag, take a bus and go to a far off place. How I hope things could be this simple. It can be but for the fear of all the social and professional repercussion one just tend to control his heart. How my family will feel and how my job will get affected. Happiest moments are when I am in between the travel . Whether in bus, train or aircraft. The journey is more beautiful moment for me rather than the destination. The fleeting sights and sounds, the smells and pictures. But then, I tend to see around people and myself all going for some purpose.  And the whole moment is stopped. I just wish we all start our journey not because we have some work at our destination but sheer feel for travel .let’s just travel and think not of destination. But is it possible…

 

World was never the place where our choices work. Keep following the crowd.

 

Keyhole in my life

I watched ‘HER’ again yesterday night.

 

I don’t know how but that movie has actually left an impact on me. I just can’t keep my mind off the voice. The computer voice. Voice like a real person. Emotions like real person even though I know are artificial. I imagined while lying on my bed after the movie was over, how life might be if I also get one of these things (if I can call it a thing). Then I remember that maybe I already had one of these things. I am also like one of these things.

 

Some part of my brain keeps talking to me and acting as it might be a third person. It keeps me in check and keeps reminding myself about things I should do and should not do. I stand in front of the mirror and I don’t know what I am trying to look at. The face. The eyes. The cloths. The hairs. It is so confusing. But then my mind start talking to me. Trying to say to me that I need to smile. A sense of tiredness sweeps over my face. But then my mind again ask me to take a deep breath and turn away my face. It knows more I try to see in mirror more I am likely to stay longer in front of it. I don’t know why I am saying all this but this has taken over my mind while writing.

 

I have come to office like any other Monday morning and stare at faces. All are smiling and looking back at me for just a second. And then the heads go down again on their systems. I just take my seat and start typing. What the hell is wrong with me. I don’t even have the energy to walk to any other persons desk and say hello. I just hope no one comes on mine also. I just don’t want to smile. It is so hard to smile.    

 

My new passion these days is twitter. I just keep on checking after few minutes for any updates. Talking endless and tweeting anything that comes on my mind. It’s so liberating. Last few days I have messaging about how extremism is increasingly becoming dangerous to world, especially Islamic and how it should be dealt with. Couple of people from across the globe started to respond also. I guess it’s more easy to talk to people you have never met and nor likely to meet in future. Strangers are more easy to talk to then people you meet daily. Solace in unknown I guess. Workable for long might be a question. Well anyway, answers are like always never with me. One thing I have observed about me…guess all gender’s might agree. It is more relaxing to talk to a person of opposite sex. Males I feel are more happy to talk to females and might be vice versa also. Reason can be debated. Its sounds and feels more passionate and mysterious when opposite gender takes interest in your message, especially someone not seen ever. We after all, are more happy to imagine someone loving us with passion shown in movies. And not necessarily in real life. Imaginary again.

 

This is why I think movies like ‘HER’ has been trying to project and ringed a bell inside. The actor in the movie develops a relationship but doesn’t get desperate to have a face for the voice. Social media and platforms to speak to strangers across globe has become such a hit. We started with things  like yahoo messenger with groups full of strangers but common topics from top of mind. Chatting with strangers to larger platform of twitter. I am not counting Facebook where privacy and closed groups of known friends exist. Whether in future these social platforms will isolate us or make us into larger groups of like-minded has to be seen. I mean people will surely love to talk to stranger’s like now but when it will come to meeting face to face or interact on close personal basis, problems might happen. I mean my own case, I can share my mind more own social network and with strangers rather than sitting in a coffee shop with friends.

 

Am I becoming a socially unstable. Can’t say. But certainly I am enjoying this sitting in the dark and looking towards light coming from keyhole.  

 

The fear

The fear of dying alone in life is the worst a person can go through. I don’t know but I think all of us do go through this, in some part of life. That might also explain why this concept of having someone in life to share is so importantly shown in the movies. I blame them more than anyone else for this projection. I ask why do we need someone. We can have very good friends, very close family and bloody dog or cat or even our own self to talk to all the time. Why the hell we need a lover or wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend.

 

The simple reason for the same is the idea shown in movies that we can’t die alone. Or even to some extent the society as a whole thinks that kids are the reason why a man and women are together. They can be together out of just sheer need of company rather than biological production cycle. The same reason that company is the most important reason for marriage or affairs can be applied for lack of need of it. Why do we start thinking that company is must in life. We can spend time by doing what we love to do the most. We can share it with friends or family. Or even in worst case scenario with no one.

 

Off course some while say that this will become monotonous lifecycle and we might end up regretting it. But who knows the future. Also, in how many relationship are both person happy and completely satisfied. People say, compromises are to be done and that is how the life is lived. Both the partners have to compromise to a large or small extent to keep the relationship going. But I ask, if the whole idea is dropped and a single person start living the way he loves to live, will he not be more happy. I mean the whole point of doing something to please the other person will be over, and no one to say this was not expected of you. Well it might be too easy to say then done for sure. But by the look of it sounds very pleasing to the ear’s.

 

People can say I am judging for very narrow view and all of this is my own thinking. But all the thinking we see the world is our own only isn’t it. We are our own biggest reason for failure to take action and do something in life. We keep imagining the mirage of world view from our own mind and keep thinking that people are judging us, but instead we are judging ourselves all the time. Sometimes our own actions take us on the path we hadn’t imagined, but then all the paths are new in life. To keep walking in this darkness without knowing whether, the next step will be are last is the only option.