planning..:))

50-50..

That’s the one I saw yesterday…I did saw it earlier also but sitting alone and nothing to break one’s concentration gives you a different power of perspective. I mean I have best moments when I talk to no one and I do what I like to do alone without being spoken to. Privacy has taken a whole new meaning for me.

Now, coming back to movie. I saw how Joseph Gordon-levitt the main actor struggles in life when I comes to know about spinal tumour. How his girlfriend cheats on him and he feels all the loneliness when he needs support the most. Well the thinking point for me was that he knows now about death coming near to him. I mean I felt some kind of closure he must be feeling. I started to feel myself in his shoes and truly speaking I do find his position OK. I mean I don’t have cancer or anything yet. God knows about future. But one thing I thought was, if I do get it, at least I might be better to do things which I might not do under normal circumstances. We all just keep living and don’t bother about our loved ones and get busy trying to make more money. I do frankly.

And If I know I am dying and have xyz months at hand only, well its better. I can just spend time with friends I love, family I ignored, trying to bring closure to so many things, see places which I wish. When the clock is ticking we all start feeling the need to run and finish what we want, but otherwise who cares. Dreams are dreams. Only with the ticking of watch, we feel that we have missed what all we should have been doing and now time is gone. So I do feel, that death as and when comes to me, I will be more happy to die with cancer than a road accident. I want to face it, I want to know and feel the last months or days. I will be more than happy to face pain maybe but rather than being dead in a second. Few months is all I need. Finish what all I wish to finish, leave some kind of legacy, something for my friends and family to remember me after I am gone. I think I should start planning now itself.

wonderland

In the wonderland..

 

Sometimes I wish to lose myself in my wonderland. I am not sure of purpose of going on. Simply living has lost its meaning.

 

I mean do we know our purpose. What am I doing here. Just waking up and going on and on. Whatever comes just take it without wondering or questioning. I am so bored now. It’s not depression that I feel or see. It’s not sadness. But simplicity of life without any purpose. I meet people and talk but back of mind thoughts are lost.

 

There has to be somethings or someplace where these thoughts lose me. I want a wonderland where I just walk and feel sleepy. My feet should just move without purpose. I spread my arms a scream. Grass greener and water clearer. I sometimes dream of this place. I am alone and walking. I smell soil on ground and lie on grass. Look up at clear blue sky and its vastness, its white clouds. I hear water falling. I feel cool breeze. There is no one around and only my sound. As far as I see nothing moves and no person. Just one tree at a small hill and I climb up and sit under it.

 

In my room at night I just sit in darkness and close my eyes and imagine this place. I smile thinking of myself in my wonderland. The sound of breeze among grass blades make me smile. My wonderland.

 

Love and sacrifices of heart.

I don’t know what happened and how I lost the focus I had for myself. I stopped writing and totally lost control over my life. It all started around 4 months back. Sometimes we just do something in life which has no meaning and future but still we do it even if, it only hurts for every second we are living it. What else I have no idea.

 

All my life I have tried very hard to be a good guy. And all my life I feel I have failed so many times and so often that I should actually give it up. I have made so many sacrifices for relationship sakes in terms of family commitments, friendship commitments, my own self goals, my self-worth even. And I am not saying that I am Mr. perfect and haven’t done wrong. I have broken hearts myself and hurt feelings of people who loved me. I now actually feel the cycle of life. We reap what we sow. Even now I know someone loves me deeply and I have seen the eyes but I am not able to make decision due to personal regressive mind-set. And I am actually wasting my heart somewhere else.

 

After a while I feel relationship goals changes from person to person. Some still run for lust or looks while some just wants commitments. For me its mix of both somewhat. I have emotional needs now much much more than anything else. Loneliness is something which freaks me out. I just need more love and time. I think most of people might agree with me that what I feel I need is more important than other things we get in relationship. But how to get out of rut we land up if we make wrong choices. I keep trying to get out and I feel like I am going more deep. It’s like a quicksand, the relationship of hearts I mean. The more you try to come out and throw your hands around the more deep it pulls you inside.     

 

There are times when we fall down and we don’t have strength to get back up. I heard this line on YouTube video. The void, the emptiness in our life so pitch black that we can’t see our own hands in the darkness. Life throw at us the situations where we have no control. We meet and see people who make us miserable. We have two choices then. Either we get depressed and get angry and frustrated or we move on. Sadness goes only with time. There is no switch on and off button. But we just have to make up our mind that no matter what I will not let the situation or this blankness overwhelm me.

 

One poem I always keep repeating in my mind 

“Once more into the fray, 

to the last good fight I will ever know, 

Live and die on this day, 

Live and die on this day.”

 

Life is a challenge. And no matter what and how talented we are or how rich or poor, we will always get in this rut of hearts. And I will keep scratching the sides of this pit to come out even if I lose my fingers doing it, I will scratch the hell out of this pit. 

Bond of pain

What is hurt!!! 

 

What is the threshold to give into pain..

 

How much can we take more..

 

Is pain just mind set..

 

A year back I tested my physical pain threshold. I almost screamed and felt I will die. I underwent a tattoo making job on my back. When the needle worked on my backbone and my whole back was covered in ink and blood I knew I can bear it much more. I haven’t reached my threshold yet. Sometimes extreme craziness can make you come out stronger. I underwent the 5 hour tattoo job; and in between so many times I felt like giving up but one thought came to my mind among so many that were running.

 

What is more painful. Physical or emotional. The pain of my body will recover. I will be ok in few days or at most months. This physical pain will go away. But what about my heart. The pain I feel in my heart. It will remain. So just keep going through this pain. Maybe at some point this will make heart shut up. 

 

I guess people who give themselves physical pain feel the same. The thought might be to numb the heart with pain on body. To keep mind occupied with injury. But then injury of heart keeps bleeding and never actually fills up.

 

People with inked skin are sometimes looked upon as freaks and socially unstable. I understand the weirdness people feel about one’s who are ready to underwent that kind of extreme pain. But then one’s who are ready to go through it are not afraid of physical pain. I myself now feel more related to one with tattoos. It feels like a exclusive club. The bond of pain. I am not talking about the small ones like rose or butterfly. They are just show off purpose. I hate the show off tattoos. For me they are meant to be laughed upon. For me full body or big size tattoos are the real ones. My own covers half of my back. And I am already thinking of a new one on my left arm. I want people to feel I am weird and freak. I wish they have guts to say so on my face.

 

I have few things to say about pain of heart but I guess it will take few more days to gather my courage. That is the one which is really hard to talk about. I am in such a mess right now.

 

GOD please guide…..

Just looking at guru dutt…..

After a long time I am writing today. Lost mood to write for a short while I guess. It’s not something I wish to do but then I guess there is time when one needs to get away from things he/she likes to get the necessary lack of oxygen. I hope you understand my meaning. When we stop doing what we like to do and let the time lapse either we try to get back to it, like a person drowning in water trying get at surface for some bits of oxygen to live or we let it go completely. My case; rush to reach the surface before it’s too late. I think this is the only way to let my mind remain sane.

 

Why today? I started passing time on YouTube like normal days and ended up listening to music from Guru dutt’s movies. I don’t know why but this is one person I would have loved to meet. Few days back while sitting with my close friends; I just asked them if by any chance we get chance to go back in history who would they like to meet. Just one of those stupid top off my mind questions. My list will be long but frankly top six:

 

1.       Guru Dutt.

2.       Sahir ludhanvi.

3.       Faiz ahmed faiz

4.       Mirza Ghalib

5.       Nathuram Godse.

6.       Shiv kumar batalvi

 

Watching the video from Kaagaz ke phool and listening to song “Dekhi zaman ki yaari” made me feel soooo sick. I felt like going to fresh room and puking. I mean I am among those; who can get puking feeling on things I find most horrifying and disgusting and similarly on the one’s I find most admiring and amazing. Being a poetry lover and trying to listen to best of poetry; and usually end up feeling like this. Being able to write poetry is the highest gift of God. For me, poets are on the very top of pyramid of creative thinkers and artist. I am in awe of poets. Guru Dutt was not a poet off course but the way he made his movies revolve around poetry of greats like Sahir make me feel so oversentimental inside. The depth he showed actually made the poem come alive on screen. 

 

I myself would love to write poetry and trust me I do try, but I am so-so bad that I can’t even imagine to share. My dairy will be burned either on my funeral pyre or I will burn it myself before; hell yeah. But, when I listen to people like, sahir, ghalib, faiz, firaaq, majaz etc I feel so sick. I mean the level of pain and depth of their writing is so intense it takes my breath away. The sick feeling last whole day. I also try to avoid writing poetry too much as I get depressed. I mean I can understand why poets die so young so often or commit slow suicide by drinking away. So many examples of poets becoming alcoholic. And it’s all understandable. They write from their hearts.

 

I feel so sad at missing the chance to meet these amazing poets. They are immortal for me. Life and death will happen but the poetry they gave will forever remain. I just hope God listens to me and allow me to have a chance to meet them. I will just sit in front of them and keep looking at them, I will not speak or talk but prefer to just look and God I hope without crying. My head will be running with their writing and I am 100% sure to choke in my throat. My tears will just fall.   

 

Are we asking enough??

Today I am going to write about the topic that has been running in my mind for past few weeks. I frankly was not sure if I should talk about it publicly or just keep my thoughts to myself. But then I realised that by not talking I am actually doing what I think is not the right thing. I should write it down. Maybe it might prevent one person from doing what I was about to do a year back only. I didn’t had courage and I was scared and backed off but not many are so lucky.

 

Are we asking enough.

 

There are times in life when everything is lost. We face total failure. We fall down so hard that we give up hope of standing up again. We walk around smiling and laughing and we are scared about what other’s might think about us. We don’t wish to lose face so we start wearing a mask to cover our sentiments. Then we come back home when no one is seeing us, we sit in the dark room scared to turn on the light so that to avoid seeing our own face in mirror. I faced it. I went through it. I was so sad and unhappy that I had to wash my face ten times while in bath to make sure no signs of sadness and tears remain. I started drinking very heavily every night, sometimes 10-12 nights in a row to calm myself and to sleep. Then the moment which I am happy, came and went away. I sat in darkness with my whisky glass and instead of putting water I had poison in it. I kept looking at it and wanted to drink in one single gulp. It touched my lips and went back on table so many times. I cried and cried and cried but couldn’t drink it.

 

                                                   

 

I know I developed cold feet and lacked guts. But yes I am happy I lacked it. Otherwise I would have finished this wonderful life that day. I am not ashamed about not doing it that day but I am ashamed that I actually thought about it. But that’s not the point I wish to make by writing this long story. My point is actually ‘ why didn’t anyone observed my false mask’. I wanted someone to see me in the condition I was in. few of my friends knew and family knew. But then we need someone to step up and support. Someone to pour our heart too. I think being around someone sad helps a lot. We have to take time out for such friends. I am sure I would have resisted to share but then at times one does feel like talking.

 

In the end, I will just say, we have to fight our own demons. No one will come. I had to fight my depression with my own mind and heart. I do feel it coming back again and again at times but I will not give up the fight. I will always have open ears for such friends who need someone to talk and I will keep calling those whom I feel might be going through something bad. Some might talk some might not but my phone will keep calling. And most important, never again will my whisky glass have anything other than water and ice. 

 

 

                                                 

 

Confused..

Am I the only one or many more like me face this kind of problem.

 

Last few weeks I have been going through such a torture. Some weekends when I am in Shimla, I go to mall road and sit in my favourite café to work on my novel. But last few times, I am not able to write more than a page. Forget a page, paragraphs and my mind is blank. I just keep looking at screen of my laptop. I look around and I see all the people sitting and busy doing their own things. I see outside the window and I see happy people walking on mall road completely carefree. I look back at my screen and nothing comes to my mind. Like an idiot I am just looking around.

 

God I hope it’s not going to last long.

 

 

Made few new friends online. I feel so happy checking my google plus account. The number of such talented and beautiful people. Some such wonderful pics people post and such great quotes. And I wonder how some manage to write such lovely blogs and poetry. Just wow.

 

Why I am writing all this I don’t know. Sometimes writing is much easier to do than talking or saying things. People who are prone to go into shell, people with high emotional instability; bottom-line people like me must keep on writing.

 

Don’t you feel, Internet is the new “voice of sky”. Just write something and throw it online. And wait if somewhere someone responds. It’s like prayers we say by looking up at sky. We whisper it and let it float, up toward the clouds and we wait for a voice to boom. We feel it is coming from sky but it’s more likely our heart talking to our head. The answer we are searching, comes to our mind and we feel as if nature is responding to our thoughts. How natural and beautiful it is. But now, nature I feel is being replaced by internet. We pour out our heart more and more online and wait for that ping of response. I remember when my life completely broke down 4 years ago. I was devastated with grief and lost everything. Night after night I just kept awake and kept looking toward the ceiling of my house. I started visiting the online help groups anonymously seeking words of advice. I was praying to God off course, but I also found solace from strange chat ids. Now I am getting more hooked to internet and more comfortable with idea of letting my thoughts float toward the new sky and maybe response comes via a satellite or undersea cable. I just keep wondering.