the beatings of heart

Hopes…dreams…affections…feelings…love…

 

Why world is so cruel I think at times….why people who just wish to have a simple lives just don’t get it. We complicate our own plans and we end up suffering always. Problem is we trust too much and we depend too much. Very young I had heard of a quote “No man is an island”. What a crap. We all are islands today and problem is when a boat comes on our beach we get excited. We let the person to play in our sands of heart and then the same person after a while get on his boat and sail away. What is left behind is the footprints of that person on our sands in our heart.

 

I am tired and I wish to give up.

 

But then I will not that’s my problem. I will just stand up and erase all the footprints of every person who had come to my shore and went away. Past must be erased. But the sands remain witness to those feet’s which walked over it. Sometimes I do wonder about how things might have turned out if that person had stayed on my beach. How the sunset would have looked and how we could have witnessed stars on clear night lying on our backs on sand. How the home would have been on my island where we could have started a new life together. But then, have to move on for my own sanity.

 

One thing I have learned that no matter of time which has went away, no matter of pains which have followed, no matter if even after so long still things haven’t worked out; my life will keep on moving. The waves will keep hitting my beach with new hopes and desires. I will keep my fire up at night and day to signal for new boats. I will keep walking on my beaches holding the hand of person who had courage to land and walk along with me.

 

Things I can’t give up is hopes…dreams…affections…feelings…love.

 

 

 

Death of a merry-maker.

I am writing under some stress today. I think helps in taking it out.

 

Someone died today. And instead of families rushing to pay respect or drop tears, a different face of humanity comes forward. I see people cribbing how the old man behaved with them. How miser he was in old age, while easily forgetting the age and medical condition he was going through. Concern is what is left in will and who will get what.

 

I can only think of sahir;

 

Yeh duniya agar mil bhe jaye toh kya hai.

 

I remember him as most happy go lucky person. He lived his life full, smoking drinking and making merry. He encouraged me so much and always remembered the bond we shared. He was suffering from Alzheimer and even forget my name and who I was. The last meeting I had to tell him number of times during conversation who I am and how we are related. But then he had moments during the same conversation about things I use to do as kid. How I fought him not to leave me alone at home during summer breaks, how he treated me with rasgullas when I wanted. How I use to through water balloons on him when at Holi I went to his home. During one night I with my cousin brother and little sister were sleeping in same room with him, we all were giggling and then he farted like a bomb blast; OMG we just laughed so hard that I fell from bed. Some might say what a wasted thoughts and memories. But it’s one of those moments when I know I laughed like world is coming to end and I don’t care a shit.

 

He was man of very progressive thoughts. He wanted me to read as much as possible to gain knowledge. He was an encyclopedia on shayari and one just needed to sit with him on drinks and he could continuously recite shayari for hours. He loved his family and they might feel different but I know. Once I was reading to him story books and I remember it was something about lawyer and his case. In the end, he just told me “Son, your English is better than lawyers I have seen arguing in courts and are 40 year olds. Keep reading and keep learning”. I was 12-13 year old and I remember the impact these words had on me. No one had ever encouraged me more than him.

 

I am very sad today but then I am also very happy. He should have died few years earlier so that he didn’t suffered so much. He couldn’t walk or think and lost all his friends. Dying lonely is very bitter experience I feel. Rather than long life, a happy short one is better and I pray to God the same for me. I would rather die in an instant than waiting for death every day. Last time I met him, I wished speedy death for him. That a truth. Even if not something I should have done but yes I did. 

 

Thank you GOD for giving him freedom from this world. I will have a drink tonight to celebrate.

Travel dairy

Travel dairies..

After a long and hectic life this year finally took time to travel. Mentally was exhausted and wanted some personal time. Didn’t wanted to spend with anyone or doing anything. Just go somewhere and be alone. Yes, alone. That’s me. Lonely and happy to be that way. Solo trip.

Well frankly, seeing all the couples and love flowing from the moment you step out does make you feel hollow but then, once the journey starts for a solo traveler it changes and make you feel liberated. So the plan was to reach Singapore on 10^th August and by road go to Kuala Lumpur on 13^th and back to India on 15^th. Start was good and reached airport on time (it’s a fear I always feel when have a flight to catch about missing it by the time I reach airport). T3 is my favorite and I always feel happy when I am there. Flight was also nice and wine was ok. The excitement started in my stomach the moment I landed. WOW. Yes, only wow is the word for Singapore. What a country and what beauty. People are so-so nice. Very friendly. The whole country has a feel of global city. So many nationality working and living, so many cultures flowing, so much to see and so much perfect. I walked the first day around my hotel on Baliester road (pardon if wrong spelling). The only problem were my new shoes. I took them especially for walking purpose but they started to bite my feet. It pained really hard. Anyway, went to an American type restaurant and loved the fish and beer. All around me different languages were being spoken and whole time I was thinking of home and family back in India. I guess, brooding happens when a person is at his lonely best. We start thinking of the most important people in our lives and thinking what they must be doing and thinking. But somehow, I was at peace. Both feelings were together. Lonely and peaceful. Walked more around the streets and was amazed at the civic sense and sheer responsibility drivers feel for walking people. No one honks and no one show unnecessary haste. They wait for you to cross and smile when you say thanks. Ohh so lovely and different it felt. I just love manners. It makes you believe in world of chivalry.

Sleeping late and getting up even late is something I missed so much in India. No noise and disturbance in hotel room (without any windows) made me sleep as if doing it after ages. Plan was to reach universal studio early before crowd hits. One thing as a back packer and solo traveler I realized and learned is to rely more on public transport then taxis. You will bleed my friend, money wise if you just look for comfort. The whole idea behind solo trip should be to face difficulties. The challenges of solo travel is to win over your mind to face and overcome challenges which keep coming. And trust me, they will. I lost my way so many times. Wrong bus, wrong stop, but loved it all. Universal was grand. The whole place had a fun aura around it. I took two rides and started to feel nauseated and decided no more rides. I also decided not to do any shopping to save money. Frankly, I wanted to explore more places then do shopping in malls or market. After universal which is going to remain in my memory, I walked toward beach side. Unfortunately, I forgot to carry my swimming costume. So couldn’t take dip. I just grabbed a beer and took my t-shirt off and sat on sand. Part of me inside wanted people to admire my back (LOL). I just wanted to show my tattoo. But it was so nice and truth be told beach and sea makes me start thinking always. Standing and walking knee deep in sea water and sun hitting my body, I started remembering all the people who have come so deep inside and left my life. Especially that one person I loved so much. I remembered the moment last time we met and I dropped her at airport. She was going up the escalator and looking back at me. Her eyes, her face all said it. This is the last time. Inside my heart I knew at that moment; I am losing her forever. I started to think of some lines which came to my mind standing in water and looking at vast sea.

In lahron se koi awaz tum tak agar pauche,

Toh soch lena ke kahe pardes mai koi yaad kar raha tumhe.

Dil ka kya hai soch leta hai kuch bhe,

Kabhe samundar ko dekh kar naam le lena mera.

Yahe lahron ke sahare shayad awaz mujh tak wapis aye.

Dil ka kya hai soch leta hai kuch bhe.

All crap I know, but then at that alone time, one thing after another starts to run in once mind. I thought of person currently I am talking too. Should I continue or not. I thought of person in my office, the one I have developed some kind of crush. Even though we are in different teams but I have seen her eyes and I know something has clicked between us even if its unsaid and frankly my day dream. I thought of Shimla and person I left there. It’s like a train which comes on platform and leaves. Each person is like a train, and I am sitting on platform seeing it go by without me getting on it. I had some tears also to drop and add my salt with sea salt. Anyway, these are moments I think make us humans and not robots. Evening had to meet a long lost cousin. Could see the success he has carved out for himself.

Third day, went to china town. Walked and walked. Must have covered 30 kms easily on foot. The best moment was finding this Tintin shop. I am telling you, as a tintin fan it’s like finding gold mine. I spent good half hour inside looking at all the memorabilia. It was very expensive but worth. Photography was not allowed and I guess rightly looking at the exclusiveness. The person who owns the shop told me there are only two in Asia ( one in japan other in Singapore ). Market had a temple where monks were praying. Buddhist temple and some kind of prayer was on and I just stood for a while listening to the chants. The food was problem as my stomach doesn’t allow me to experiment too much. And the type of Chinese food in stalls were being served was beyond my taste. Luckily found an Indian food restaurant and mutton keema was amazing. Also, it rained and I saw a beautiful Singapore emerge from it. Hardly any pollution of any kind; sound, air, soil etc. nothing. I can spend my life in this country with someone paying for my expenditure :)

.

After a night stay with cousin and his family; and an extra day in Singapore left by road to Kuala Lumpur. The bus journey are always my favorite. They make me feel so grounded and real. Volvo was amazing and quite comfortable. The journey which was supposed to end in 4-5 hours took 7 hours all thanks to long lines at Singapore immigration. The Chinese tourist love to travel is such huge groups I tell you. Hundreds of them go together. One and half hour it took me to clear from Singapore immigration and hardly 10 minutes to enter Malaysia. Conductor promised to serve lunch on bus and moment he served lunch box and I opened it my heart sank. It had boiled white rice with small fishes fried full and served as pickle. Also had some very spicy red prawn sauce to mix with rice. I just eat rice with sprinkled sauce to subside my hunger pangs. Road was smooth and scenery was beautiful. Only three people very travelling and I being lone foreigner. Reached KL late at 7 and then reality hit me. I didn’t had ringgit (only Singapore dollar, US dollar and INR). My phone was not working as last Sim was of Singapore. The address my friend had given for KL which was his home to stay was wrong. I just kept walking with whole back pack and other material around public transport. Some Pakistanis I meet suggested me local blue/red line buses which are free travel. Unfortunately the red line dropped me at some main bus station from where blue line was supposed to go to Sultan Ismail where I was supposed to reach. The time I reached, blue line had stopped working. There were drunk taxi drivers all around and quite abusive and aggressive when I asked them for help. Luckily and young boy from India saw me and took pity on my position. He came and talked to me in Hindi about not taking a cab but local metro. He even gave me 10 ringgit as a gesture to keep me going. I always tell my friends that in this world people are all good only, it’s the circumstance which at time make us do bad things otherwise world have survived so much with general goodness and humanity. With his money and lady who helped me understanding the ticket vending machine took metro to reach sultan Ismail station. There another person helped me making a call to my friend through his own phone and finally meet and reach home. The tiredness and exhaustion went away moment I reached home.

Late night walk with friends to twin towers and mesmerizing night life of KL will forever remain with me. One thing I felt was immediate opposite culture compared to Singapore. Even though Singapore was under Malaysian rule to mid-70’s I think still the stark different both have evolved. Singapore was all about sophistication that comes from global exposure and KL was more conservative and laid back. KL also had higher pollution level as far as air and noise was concerned. But still a separate beauty of the city can be seen all around. Most of the time I spent with my friends and I really love them too much and miss them now. The help I got from total strangers when was lost is the best moment for me. Some might say, why did you took such a risk but then solo trips should be filled with risk. It’s at these moments I learn so much and my mind find the depth to which I can go down to survive and win. My trust in world full of people ready to help and sharing happiness is renewed. I am sure humanity will keep on going in spite of all the sorrow and hate we see around.

Hardest part ? coming to office back from trip on 16^th. I hated it. Every day while on way to office I think of all the places I saw in Singapore and KL. Some part of me still is their only walking on street with my back pack. Next travel has to come in few months by year end. Till then will keep on going with the memory :). 

planning..:))

50-50..

That’s the one I saw yesterday…I did saw it earlier also but sitting alone and nothing to break one’s concentration gives you a different power of perspective. I mean I have best moments when I talk to no one and I do what I like to do alone without being spoken to. Privacy has taken a whole new meaning for me.

Now, coming back to movie. I saw how Joseph Gordon-levitt the main actor struggles in life when I comes to know about spinal tumour. How his girlfriend cheats on him and he feels all the loneliness when he needs support the most. Well the thinking point for me was that he knows now about death coming near to him. I mean I felt some kind of closure he must be feeling. I started to feel myself in his shoes and truly speaking I do find his position OK. I mean I don’t have cancer or anything yet. God knows about future. But one thing I thought was, if I do get it, at least I might be better to do things which I might not do under normal circumstances. We all just keep living and don’t bother about our loved ones and get busy trying to make more money. I do frankly.

And If I know I am dying and have xyz months at hand only, well its better. I can just spend time with friends I love, family I ignored, trying to bring closure to so many things, see places which I wish. When the clock is ticking we all start feeling the need to run and finish what we want, but otherwise who cares. Dreams are dreams. Only with the ticking of watch, we feel that we have missed what all we should have been doing and now time is gone. So I do feel, that death as and when comes to me, I will be more happy to die with cancer than a road accident. I want to face it, I want to know and feel the last months or days. I will be more than happy to face pain maybe but rather than being dead in a second. Few months is all I need. Finish what all I wish to finish, leave some kind of legacy, something for my friends and family to remember me after I am gone. I think I should start planning now itself.

wonderland

In the wonderland..

 

Sometimes I wish to lose myself in my wonderland. I am not sure of purpose of going on. Simply living has lost its meaning.

 

I mean do we know our purpose. What am I doing here. Just waking up and going on and on. Whatever comes just take it without wondering or questioning. I am so bored now. It’s not depression that I feel or see. It’s not sadness. But simplicity of life without any purpose. I meet people and talk but back of mind thoughts are lost.

 

There has to be somethings or someplace where these thoughts lose me. I want a wonderland where I just walk and feel sleepy. My feet should just move without purpose. I spread my arms a scream. Grass greener and water clearer. I sometimes dream of this place. I am alone and walking. I smell soil on ground and lie on grass. Look up at clear blue sky and its vastness, its white clouds. I hear water falling. I feel cool breeze. There is no one around and only my sound. As far as I see nothing moves and no person. Just one tree at a small hill and I climb up and sit under it.

 

In my room at night I just sit in darkness and close my eyes and imagine this place. I smile thinking of myself in my wonderland. The sound of breeze among grass blades make me smile. My wonderland.

 

Love and sacrifices of heart.

I don’t know what happened and how I lost the focus I had for myself. I stopped writing and totally lost control over my life. It all started around 4 months back. Sometimes we just do something in life which has no meaning and future but still we do it even if, it only hurts for every second we are living it. What else I have no idea.

 

All my life I have tried very hard to be a good guy. And all my life I feel I have failed so many times and so often that I should actually give it up. I have made so many sacrifices for relationship sakes in terms of family commitments, friendship commitments, my own self goals, my self-worth even. And I am not saying that I am Mr. perfect and haven’t done wrong. I have broken hearts myself and hurt feelings of people who loved me. I now actually feel the cycle of life. We reap what we sow. Even now I know someone loves me deeply and I have seen the eyes but I am not able to make decision due to personal regressive mind-set. And I am actually wasting my heart somewhere else.

 

After a while I feel relationship goals changes from person to person. Some still run for lust or looks while some just wants commitments. For me its mix of both somewhat. I have emotional needs now much much more than anything else. Loneliness is something which freaks me out. I just need more love and time. I think most of people might agree with me that what I feel I need is more important than other things we get in relationship. But how to get out of rut we land up if we make wrong choices. I keep trying to get out and I feel like I am going more deep. It’s like a quicksand, the relationship of hearts I mean. The more you try to come out and throw your hands around the more deep it pulls you inside.     

 

There are times when we fall down and we don’t have strength to get back up. I heard this line on YouTube video. The void, the emptiness in our life so pitch black that we can’t see our own hands in the darkness. Life throw at us the situations where we have no control. We meet and see people who make us miserable. We have two choices then. Either we get depressed and get angry and frustrated or we move on. Sadness goes only with time. There is no switch on and off button. But we just have to make up our mind that no matter what I will not let the situation or this blankness overwhelm me.

 

One poem I always keep repeating in my mind 

“Once more into the fray, 

to the last good fight I will ever know, 

Live and die on this day, 

Live and die on this day.”

 

Life is a challenge. And no matter what and how talented we are or how rich or poor, we will always get in this rut of hearts. And I will keep scratching the sides of this pit to come out even if I lose my fingers doing it, I will scratch the hell out of this pit. 

Bond of pain

What is hurt!!! 

 

What is the threshold to give into pain..

 

How much can we take more..

 

Is pain just mind set..

 

A year back I tested my physical pain threshold. I almost screamed and felt I will die. I underwent a tattoo making job on my back. When the needle worked on my backbone and my whole back was covered in ink and blood I knew I can bear it much more. I haven’t reached my threshold yet. Sometimes extreme craziness can make you come out stronger. I underwent the 5 hour tattoo job; and in between so many times I felt like giving up but one thought came to my mind among so many that were running.

 

What is more painful. Physical or emotional. The pain of my body will recover. I will be ok in few days or at most months. This physical pain will go away. But what about my heart. The pain I feel in my heart. It will remain. So just keep going through this pain. Maybe at some point this will make heart shut up. 

 

I guess people who give themselves physical pain feel the same. The thought might be to numb the heart with pain on body. To keep mind occupied with injury. But then injury of heart keeps bleeding and never actually fills up.

 

People with inked skin are sometimes looked upon as freaks and socially unstable. I understand the weirdness people feel about one’s who are ready to underwent that kind of extreme pain. But then one’s who are ready to go through it are not afraid of physical pain. I myself now feel more related to one with tattoos. It feels like a exclusive club. The bond of pain. I am not talking about the small ones like rose or butterfly. They are just show off purpose. I hate the show off tattoos. For me they are meant to be laughed upon. For me full body or big size tattoos are the real ones. My own covers half of my back. And I am already thinking of a new one on my left arm. I want people to feel I am weird and freak. I wish they have guts to say so on my face.

 

I have few things to say about pain of heart but I guess it will take few more days to gather my courage. That is the one which is really hard to talk about. I am in such a mess right now.

 

GOD please guide…..