Wednesday 10 June 2015

Are we asking enough??

Today I am going to write about the topic that has been running in my mind for past few weeks. I frankly was not sure if I should talk about it publicly or just keep my thoughts to myself. But then I realised that by not talking I am actually doing what I think is not the right thing. I should write it down. Maybe it might prevent one person from doing what I was about to do a year back only. I didn’t had courage and I was scared and backed off but not many are so lucky.

 

Are we asking enough.

 

There are times in life when everything is lost. We face total failure. We fall down so hard that we give up hope of standing up again. We walk around smiling and laughing and we are scared about what other’s might think about us. We don’t wish to lose face so we start wearing a mask to cover our sentiments. Then we come back home when no one is seeing us, we sit in the dark room scared to turn on the light so that to avoid seeing our own face in mirror. I faced it. I went through it. I was so sad and unhappy that I had to wash my face ten times while in bath to make sure no signs of sadness and tears remain. I started drinking very heavily every night, sometimes 10-12 nights in a row to calm myself and to sleep. Then the moment which I am happy, came and went away. I sat in darkness with my whisky glass and instead of putting water I had poison in it. I kept looking at it and wanted to drink in one single gulp. It touched my lips and went back on table so many times. I cried and cried and cried but couldn’t drink it.

 

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I know I developed cold feet and lacked guts. But yes I am happy I lacked it. Otherwise I would have finished this wonderful life that day. I am not ashamed about not doing it that day but I am ashamed that I actually thought about it. But that’s not the point I wish to make by writing this long story. My point is actually ‘ why didn’t anyone observed my false mask’. I wanted someone to see me in the condition I was in. few of my friends knew and family knew. But then we need someone to step up and support. Someone to pour our heart too. I think being around someone sad helps a lot. We have to take time out for such friends. I am sure I would have resisted to share but then at times one does feel like talking.

 

In the end, I will just say, we have to fight our own demons. No one will come. I had to fight my depression with my own mind and heart. I do feel it coming back again and again at times but I will not give up the fight. I will always have open ears for such friends who need someone to talk and I will keep calling those whom I feel might be going through something bad. Some might talk some might not but my phone will keep calling. And most important, never again will my whisky glass have anything other than water and ice. 

 

 

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